Holding it all in: when "I'm fine" is the default.
Holding it all in means keeping feelings behind a calm face so nobody has to deal with them, including you. You stop bottling up emotions by naming a feeling, letting it sit for a minute, and sharing a small piece of it with someone safe.
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Why do I bottle up my emotions?
Somewhere you learned that feelings were too much, unwelcome or unsafe to show. So you got very good at a calm face. The feelings did not leave. They just went quiet and heavy.
What are the signs?
- You say "I'm fine" on autopilot.
- You struggle to cry, even when you want to.
- People tell you they never know what you are thinking.
- Feelings show up later as headaches, tight shoulders or snapping.
- You feel calm on the outside and buzzing on the inside.
What is the flip side of holding it in?
You feel different from everyone, handle it all alone, and keep your inner world locked up so you are not a burden.
You share a little of what is going on inside, and people feel closer because you are human too.
How do I let feelings out without falling apart?
In small doses. Name what you feel in a few words, give it a seat for a minute, then tell one person one sentence about it.
FM 2.3Say It StraightPut it in plain words and own your share of it.
FM 4.9Willing to FeelChoose to let a hard feeling come and go while you do what matters, instead of fighting it off.
FM 4.17Give It a SeatName the feeling you have been tucking away and let it take up a little space.
FM 7.11Brave TalkPlan a hard conversation so it has the best chance to go well, even with nerves.What does the research say?
People who habitually hide their feelings report less closeness with others and lower wellbeing.
Source: Gross and John, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2003Hiding emotions during a conversation raised the blood pressure of the person listening, not just the person hiding.
Source: Butler and colleagues, Emotion, 2003Questions people ask
Is it bad to keep emotions to yourself?
Choosing privacy sometimes is healthy. Hiding everything all the time tends to cost closeness and energy.
Why can't I cry?
Years of holding feelings in can make tears feel stuck. Gentle practice naming and allowing feelings often helps them move again.
How do I start opening up?
Start with a low stakes feeling, like annoyance about traffic, with someone you trust.